How the house became 'baby safe' thanks to a five year old and why chocolate should never be taken into art galleries

Thing 1 woke me early this morning, standing at the side of the bed, saying 'ahem.... AHEM' and then putting his freezing cold hand on my cheek. He then proceeded to show me dismantled pieces of the fire surround;

'I've removed this because if Thing 3 unscrews it then she might try to eat it and choke, I've removed this bit too.....'

I asked him what on earth he was doing and he responded that he was 'baby proofing' the house.....

Only him.....


Unusually, the Things managed to keep themselves entertained for the morning . Playing NICELY together, Thing 1 allowed Thing 3 to play with transformers.... So much for 'baby proofing'! Have you seen the little pieces that come off transformers. One day last week I actually witnessed a Transformers massacre- not a single transformer was left intact. There were limbs everywhere. It was very traumatic.

But, alas, the playing nicely couldn't last. All to soon Thing 2 was making it a mission to wind up Thing 1. The most effective way she discovered was to prod him in the eyes whilst he tried to watch his DVD. I decided to march Thing 2 and Thing 3 out of the house to go for a walk.

We popped into our cousins to drop off some stuff. Thing 3 decided it was fun to keep trying to climb the stairs and laughing at me trying to catch her.

We took a stroll into the local village where Thing 2 staged a one Thing protest and had a lie-down paddy in the middle of the shop because I said 'no' to sweets. ...

Decided to nip into the art gallery whilst we were nearby. All was fine until Thing 2 decided she needed to use the toilet, twice (I think she liked the fancy soap). Then Thing 3 proceeded to mush chocolate into the carpet. I had tried to take said chocolate off her before we went in but she threatened tears and so i let her keep hold of it. Mortified doesn't even cover my feelings at leaping into action to remove said chocolate from the gallery floor, whilst seemingly changed into slow motion. Hustled the two girls Things out of the gallery sharpish and headed home.

Got back in and Thing 2 resumed her seat next to thing 1 and his eyeballs, thing 3 started crying .... Some days it seems that you just can't teach a Thing.