How Thing 3 boogied on down in Asda and how a person can actually turn the colour 'beetroot'

Today I did a really bad thing. As a mum I am horrified to admit it, but I overslept ... By a full half hour! I know, I know, it's obscene! I should've set my alarm, gone to bed earlier, failed to go to bed at all. Alas, I foolishly succumbed to that beast of all - sleep.

So I took advantage, awoke with a start, relaxed as I realised the clock i'd been keeping set to an hour ahead said if was only 8- that'd mean it was only actually 7- but really no it was really actually 8 - things' dad in his well meaning way had changed the clock to the real time.
Get out I bed and that's when I realised the groggy fogginess wasn't just sleep and I am in fact full of a cold- headache, chills, snot, phlegm, The Works. Great
Everything took ten times longer, got to school three minutes after registration In Comparison to some that's probably a good thing.....

So, in my foggy fuzzy snotty state I decided that playgroup for the Thing girls is still the best option .....that way there would be many more eyes on said things than just my bloodshot streaming watery sniffly ones (anyone would think this was man flu!!!) .

Thing 2 took up a tantrum as soon as we arrived, thing 3 took up her solitary guard over the slide, like a sentry meerkat; no one could go up, no one could get down ..... I sat and actually, I remember very little, I may have actually slept a few minutes on that rough church hall carpet.

From playgroup it was a mad dash home to get thing 2 her lunch before school. She wolfed it down and we got to school as they were shutting the gates. Two things inside educational buildings and just one to cope with. Bliss.

We had to head to asda this afternoon. Just for a few bits of sandwich stuff (I've been doing a click and collect main shop so I now begrudge the drudgery of actually walking around the shop). Having just the one Thing did make life easier, that is until we got downstairs.

Asda downstairs at our local store is like the clothes horse techie's dream - there you will discover all the latest fashions and the latest music, film and otherwise in a few square foot.
We were distracted (alas, I'll admit, I was distracted) but I tried to make as swift an exit as possible ... That is until we walked by the CDs.
Somehow we managed to walk underneath a speaker just as it decided to speak out; what would a speaker say if it could talk? 'I'm sexy and I know it' apparently. And at this point Thing 3 actually became rooted to the spot and started some strange jig to the beat. It was like she was in a trance. I tried to move her on but to no avail. The more people passed and cooed over her wiggly dancing, the more she wiggled and seemingly the more her feet became rooted to the spot. I felt myself turn a slight pink and all the shades inbetween full-on beetroot. Believe me, you've never felt more exposed than when you've been stood next to a one year old wiggling away to the beat of 'I'm sexy and I know it' in the middle if Asda. If they bring back torture in the UK, I'm first in line with the perfect suggestion !

Manic Mondays and how Thing 3 helped me file my tax return

some weeks I LOVE Mondays, other weeks I don't particular care for them. This Monday was one of the latter.

it all started fine enough. Thing 3 had woken me up 17 Times through the night. Thing 1 came into the bedroom at about 5.30pm, prodded at my eyelids to wake me up to ask if he could have a satsuma and to proudly announce that he'd made himself some juice. Eyes bloodshot and limbs stiff, I dragged myself out of bed and in a somewhat zombified state went through the usual morning routine of getting school uniform ready for Thing 1 and outfits for the two girl things. lunches made and teeth brushed, time for shoes and coats.... and here's where it started to become a bit of a manic Monday .....

' Mum!I can't find my shoes!' (Thing 1)

' Where did you put them when you got in on Friday afternoon?' (Thing mum)

' don't panic mum. I've found one. it's ok, I can hop to school' (Thing 1)

' you are not hopping to school ......' (Thing mum)

Try explaining to a 5 year old that although they May be really good at hopping, they are not hopping for half an hour to school. let alone what the teachers would think if I sent him in to class wearing just one shoe. Trainers swiftly located, unfortunately they were the Spiderman ones, you know, the ones that contain special powers; note to teacher scribbled out on a piece of scrap paper, by a ballpoint struggling to emit any more ink, apologising for the lack of uniform compliant school shoes, promising that I would endeavour to locate the escapee shoe and apologising profusely for the trainers containing superpowers. (superpowers consist of; making Thing 1 run very fast, usually into a wall or fence and resulting in a call to attend school reception to inspect the ensuing damage inflicted upon Thing 1' s person).

Out the door in a hurry as now running late, complete with travel mug of coffee, book bag, lunchbag.... make it to crossing and realise I've no Thing 1. Back to house to collect him, find him busily inspecting the underside of the Sky remote, for no apparent reason and completely oblivious to the fact I'd already left once. set off again, throw coffee over myself in my rush. get to school just before the bell. and breathe........

at this point I remember that I really am running late in getting my tax return done and should really do this soon.

make phone call whilst rushing back home to school governor services (another thing I foolishly volunteered myself for) to change some personal details. the poor woman who answered must have on first thought assumed me to be a dirty caller with all my heavy breathing and panting as I spoke (I really must get fitter).

got home to be greeted by Thing 2 and 3, and all good intentions to complete my tax return disappeared to wherever that elusive school shoe was hiding.

I finally sat down to do my tax return this evening. believe me, it was no easy task. Thing 1 and Thing 2 had gone to bed. Thing 3 was playing that age old game of ' let's close the netbook whilst mum is working on it', I did finally get it done after fishing some of my receipts out of Thing 3' s mouth .... I'm sure she actually ate some, so I've listed her in my expenses. all this whilst watching a programme about vomit on the BBC. I'm glad today is over. I'm going to sleep, before I'm awoken by the nocturnal Thing 3.

Trousers for dinner and a walk in the slush

'Snow! Snow!' Thing 2 laughed joyously this afternoon - she had spotted a lump of snow about 50cm in diameter by the garden steps .... This excitement may have been more warranted if we hadn't just had massive amounts of snow covering the entire COUNTRY! But, this small remnant of greyish, cold, slush was enough to cause ripples of excitement through all three Things (I don't think Thing 3 really understood what the other two were going on about, but she bounced around like she knew) - and so I was outnumbered by Things and convinced into taking them for a walk in the slush. Each Thing got wrapped up warm and shoed up and then made their way out the backdoor in a blur of incoherent Thing chatter and scuffle. Thing 3 was put into her pram and we headed into our local village. Thing 1 and Thing 2 walked through every bit of remaining slush we came across, then when they got bored of jumping in slush, they decided they 'needed' their photo taking with EVERYTHING.

We saw sheep by the grammar school, the Things 'needed' their photo taken with them.

We saw snow still up on the surrounding hills, the Things 'needed' their photo taking with it in the background.

We went in the shop for some sweets, the Things 'needed' their photo taken with their sweets.

We saw a brick wall, the Things 'needed' their photo taken with it.

We saw a fence, the Things 'needed' their photo taken with it......

This went on all the way back home. I wished I'd held my ground and not given in to their demand to go for a walk in the first place. I'm exhausted and my picture taking clicker finger has muscles!

Upon returning home, Thing 1 announced to me that he is very proud of himself, because he got to keep all of his golden time at school this week. You must understand, this isn't unusual. Thing 1 isn't naughty, nor does he make a habit of losing golden time.
Only last week he did; He had five minutes docked from him. His crime? I asked him, expecting that he'd been talking when he shouldn't or not sat down when asked, but no. Proudly he told me that he'd lost his golden time for EATING HIS TROUSERS! I kid you not, his teacher confirmed it. I asked Thing 1 how on earth he'd been eating his trousers and was treated to a demonstration whereby he plonked himself on the floor, lifted up his leg and gnawed at the bottom of his trouser leg. . . Really.
Being ever the optimist I consoled myself that really he's a smart boy, at least if the world's food supply runs out then he'll never go hungry.

How I sympathise with sardines and how a little bit of blu-tack changed the world

Blu tack is really sticky.
Blu tack is really fun.
Blu tack is really good,
For putting things on the wall.

Blu tack is good for throwing .
Blu tack is good,
for sticking things when they're broke.

The End

A poem about blu-tack
by Thing 1, aged 5



This morning I awoke from a nightmare. I dreamt that I was a sardine, tightly packed into a tin full of other sardines ... It was horrid. I would've awoken with a start, jumped a little, but I found I couldn't move, tightly packed into a child's 3/4 size bed with a Thing 1 on one side of me and a Thing 2 & Thing 3 on the other side, a bit of wiggling and strategic elbow movements I managed to wrench myself free and take my first full breath of the morning.
The Things soon followed me out of bed and made the unanimous decision that they were going to play with their Christmas toys, for Thing 2 that was a little wooden dolls house, Thing 3 played with her wooden farm, Thing 1 got out his blu-tack ..... Yes, you did just read that correctly; blu-tack. It goes something like this;

In the run up to our most recent Christmas, Thing 1 was given a couple of catalogues to circle items which he may like from Father Christmas, I'm not saying that this wasn't a success, but having circled practically everything in said catalogues (including a lady-shave and a jewellery box in one catalogue) it still left Things' dad and I unsure of what he may actually want for Christmas. So we then tried the less subtle approach of asking outright what he would like from Santa. He named a few different toys but the two that cropped up over and over were a (large) HotWheels track and a complete set of Octonauts figurines and playsets. As budgets wouldn't stretch to both and with the foresight that his younger Thing siblings would probably have the great idea of playing Godzilla over a HotWheels track we worked on convincing him of the Octonauts stuff.... It worked ..... That is until he was sat there one day in the run up to Christmas and announced; 'for Christmas, I would like blu-tack' - he repeated this request to grandparents and friends at school. When attending his cousin's christening and being asked by a great aunt what he has asked for for Christmas, his innocent response of; 'I've asked for blu-tack, that is what I really really want' had us convinced. Father Christmas would have to make room for a packet of blu-tack on his sleigh.
Christmas morning arrived, presents were opened in a scene resembling lions feasting on a slain antelope and blu-tack was presently discovered; Thing 1 whooped with joy, bounded around like a lunatic, grinned quite literally from ear to ear and tore it from its cardboard packaging... It was an effort to keep him focused on opening any of his other presents, of which there were a few, including a wooden pirate ship, octonauts sets, transformers and more. Since Christmas he has only told people he got blu-tack, he's played with it continually (in fact it is rather less blue and more furry grubby grey) ... Alas, it's kept him happy. I've already bought him a roll of Sellotape for next year .....

A rare lie-in and why snowmen are so passé

I was lucky enough to despatch Things 1 & 2 a short way southwards to their nanna and grandad's house for the night last night - yes, even through heavy snow and strong winds, the grandparent taxi service was still running. This last minute, well- thunked out plan allowed me to have the rarest of all treats, a LIE-IN! Albeit a rather short one as I was awoken by a bouncy Thing 3, a mere 10 minutes after I'd have ordinarily been woken up. But, 10 minutes is better than a foot in the gut (which, incidentally is what Thing 3 proceeded to do after waking me up, but as she's a little Thing I'm sure it was completely accidental).

A mono-Thinged morning was spent ensuring as much housework as feasible was completed, with mounds of washing to work through and the plentiful debris of the Things brief time at home between getting in from school and grandparent taxi pick-up needing to be gathered up, put away and neatened this was no easy task, but the Things' dad made it a much less impossible state of affairs with his jolly dusting, vacuuming and dishwasher emptying. Brews made, bottoms just about to hit seat ..... 'Knock knock!' At the door.... Our set of Things is complete again....

Grandparents say their cheery 'bye-byes', Thing 2 lies on the floor wailing as she's so tired and had just been drifting to sleep in grandparent taxi. Thing 1 upturns a box of Lego on the nice tidy living room floor, Thing 3 greets her siblings' return with as much shouting as is possible by a 1 year old (believe me, that's a heck of a lot) and then proceeds to smack her hands repeatedly upon the face of the still wailing, still floor bound, Thing 2.... Alas, chaos reigns supreme yet again at Thing Central ....

So, I leave Thing 1 with his Lego, Thing 3 with a bottle of milk and convince Thing 2 that we should head into the garden and into the snow to build a snow something .... We decide we don't want to make a snowman, snowmen are so passé, so instead we create a snow 'cat in the hat' ..... It stopped Thing 2 from wailing (until it all started up again when her hands got too cold) but I credit those extra 10 minutes in bed with my ability to carry on until the Things finally went to bed. Now I've sat down with a well deserved (albeit now cold) cup of tea.

A Tale of 3 ‘Things’ (How I blame the parents and why it’s not as cruel as its sounds!)

‘I will pick up the hook.

You will see something new.

Two things. And I call them

Thing One and Thing Two.

These Things will not bite you.

They want to have fun.’

Then, out of the box

Came Thing Two and Thing One!

The Cat in The Hat, 

By Dr. Seuss, 1957

I grew up in a world full of green eggs and ham, pig bands, Sneetches and Zax, pale green pants, three-eyelashed Tizzys, long –legger kwongs, foxes in sox and cats that wear hats....
This may explain why I am rather odd... I like to call it 'special'.....

My mum is a Dr. Seuss fanatic (she still has a cat in the hat sat in her bedroom!) and that quirk has been inherited by me (genetically, obviously, there’s nothing I could’ve done to avoid it!). There was a time I could recite the Sneeches, Zax and Cat in the Hat word for word, from memory (Just think what that brain space could’ve achieved!) – I probably could do the same now given the chance – which is an exceptionally worrying thought, so for now I will claim ignorance!

When myself and my younger sister were little, my dad playfully termed us ‘thing 1 and thing 2’ in respect of the mischief making duo in Dr.Seuss’ possibly most famous creation. And so upon having my first child, it was only natural for the name to be inherited – and yes, the poor thing has been subject to the same fanatical ‘Seussology’ that I was forced to endure – ‘it’s only fair! 

At just a few weeks old, Thing 1 was already sporting his first ‘Thing One’ piece of apparel; a lovely Red Vest ..... he was also the proud owner of a number of Cat in the Hat T-shirts, a Horton vest and his very own cuddly cat in the hat ... as well as a complete Dr Seuss storybook collection!
The name also served as a very useful dual purpose term for blogging as I sometimes wanted to mention something he’d said or done without having to identify him by name and so ‘Thing 1’ became established as my first born's online alter-ego.

When my second child came along, she would naturally become ‘Thing Two’.... and t-shirts depicting the ‘Thing’ logo were soon purchased and loved..... this lucky little lady also had a ‘Thing’ fabric taggy toy as a baby and her very own copies of some of our favourite (but by this point, well-loved) Dr Seuss texts.

With the arrival of a third child, we had to think on our feet.... could we go where The Cat had failed? Could we possibly coin a ‘Thing 3’? of course we could! new T-shirts were promptly acquired, a mum of Things top for myself and a set of Dr Seuss board books. 

And that’s where we stand today – their online alter-egos serve as a constant reminder of my childhood and hopefully also put a smile on the faces of others. When they’re older I hope that they carry on the tradition when they have ‘Things’ of their own! But for now, I shall keep up with reading Dr.Seuss to them a couple of nights a week and training Thing 1 to recite ‘The Sneetches’. 

See, it isn’t as cruel as it may first appear – I didn’t term them ‘Things’ because it’s easier than remembering which one is called what one and which one is who,(although that comes a close second in my ‘good reasons’ book!) and that is why I wholeheartedly BLAME MY PARENTS!



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